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Exklusives Metallica-Album nur in METAL HAMMER 08/2021

Das tat weh: Randy Blythe verbrennt sich den Penis


Randy Blythe, Frontmann von Lamb Of God, wird seinen letztwöchigen Ausflug zum Surfen wohl nicht so schnell vergessen: Wie der Sänger per Instagram mitteilte, schüttete er sich versehentlich kochend heißen Kaffee in den Schritt.

So teilte der Sänger seinen Fans von dem Unglück mit:

„WARNING: THE FOLLOWING POST IS OF A GRAPHIC PERSONAL NATURE & CONTAINS A TALE OF ABJECT MISERY. I DON’T EVEN KNOW WHY I’M POSTING THIS. I MUST BE HIGH FROM PAIN STILL. There are moments of extreme physical pain in some of our lives that we will never, ever, forget. Tonight I had one of those moments (this picture I took of my friends Jimmy & Mike of EYEHATEGOD has NOTHING to do with this story, but I needed a photo & they do have a record called „Take As Needed For Pain“). The sun was setting & it was beautiful evening as I road along the coast to the grocery store, still in my surf trunks & sipping on a fresh mug of boiling hot black coffee. I was listening to some mellow piano music & making a right turn when I made the tragic mistake placing the mug between my barely covered legs. As I turned my truck, happily humming along to the mellow piano music on my stereo, suddenly there was a searing white hot explosion of agony in my crotch. The lid of my mug had come loose, and liquid caffeinated FIRE had covered my, well…it had covered my penis. I briefly lost control of my truck, swerving into the lane of oncoming traffic, barely missing another truck, before quickly pulling into a nearby parking lot to try & make some sense of this atrocity I had committed against myself. I felt like I was going to throw up for a good minute or two, then I regained control & started returning home to do what I knew what I had to do. I had to put him on ice. I do not normally talk to my penis, he does not have a nickname or anything like that, but if there ever was a time for encouraging words to my lifelong companion, it was now. The words I said out loud to him as I painfully drove us slowly home went along these lines: OH GOD, DUDE. OH MY GOD, THAT HURT LIKE HOLY FUCK. HANG IN THERE DUDE. OH GOD, HANG IN THERE. WE’RE GONNA MAKE IT. DON’T GIVE UP HOPE. OH MY GOD, DUDE. OH GOD, HANG IN THERE, BRO. I must have looked like a crazy man. When I hit home, he went in a glass of ice water for a bit. He will recover, I have faith. Go ahead & laugh- everyone else I’ve told did, including my wife. This day is now a wash. Goodnight.“

Mittlerweile konnte sich der Sänger aber über eine vollkommene Genesung seines besten Stücks freuen.

In einem weiteren Post auf Instagram sprach er davon, dass weder Narben noch andere bleibende Schäden geblieben wären und alles voll einsatzfähig sei:

„I never thought I would ever be writing something like this, but here is an update on the condition of my penis: HE IS 100% RECOVERED & FULLY FUNCTIONAL, COMPLETELY CAPABLE OF PERFORMING ANY OF HIS NORMAL DUTIES. No scarring, so scabbing, no PTSD. He’s good to go. I suppose it took a while (like a week) for the metal „news“ sites to pick up this obviously very important story in the world of heavy metal, but they did (I guess they will run anything, or it must be a slow week- I wrote that story here just to give y’all a few laughs- damn, all I did was dump hot coffee on my unit- I’m sure it happens to someone everyday). Now I am getting texts from my friends saying things like „Ouch! Are you ok?“ or „I’m really, really, sorry about The Captain, dude“- while the sudden outpouring of concern for the welfare of my penis is heartwarming indeed (it brings a tear to my eye, it really does), it’s not like someone tried to chop him off or he suddenly developed the ability to do calculus or something- now THAT would have been worthy of the news. Anyways, with penises, just as with all things in life, that which does not kill us only makes us stronger. This video is from just two days ago, well after the scalding incident in question- I ask you, my friends- is this the wipe out of a man not in full command of his penis? Would a man suffering the agony of penile distress have the presence of mind to wave goodbye to the camera so gracefully? NO, HE WOULD NOT. My dude was a little sore for two days- that’s it. Ok, that’s enough about my penis- I shall never mention him here again. (ps- I am VERY careful with coffee in the car now, always using the cup holder)“

Wie dem Video auf Instagram zu entnehmen ist, ist der Sänger wieder in bester körperlicher Verfassung.

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